i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
