Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
