you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
