I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
