He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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