i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
