Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
