u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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