cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
