i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
