i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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