a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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