someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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