it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My ATM looks so different sober.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
