i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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