dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
