If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
