ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
