I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
