then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
