We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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