News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
