If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
