So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
