i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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