dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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