I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
