Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
