A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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