please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
