I just pynch a tree in the face
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
