just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
