Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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