If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
