You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
