Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
