i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
