hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's official drugs can't kill me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
