I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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