she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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