she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
