his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
