This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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