I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
