she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
