worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
