This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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