Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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