i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
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I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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