Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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