Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
