I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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