My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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