My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
