No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
