I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
