I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
