Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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