At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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