We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
